Since my last post, I’ve been put back on anti-depressants. It’s been a long time since I was on them, and when I stopped taking the previous lot, it was against my GP’s advice. I’m really not sure I want to be on them again. Although I was on a different type last time, I’m still very suspicious of the side-effects, plus there’s always that terrible period of bodily adjustment to them, and possible (worsened) insomnia, and these ones even threaten bowel trouble, which sounds like the terrifyingly gross icing on the manky cake. It also means I can’t drink, which at this time of year, when I’m soon to be visiting family and friends (although the reasons for wanting to drink with both of those groups are very different…) is far from ideal. I haven’t taken any of them yet – I’m thinking it might be best to wait until the weekend if they’re going to make me a weepy incontinent for the first few days! It also means I have to go to the pharmacy once a week to get them, in a bid to prevent overdosing. I veer between thinking they’re not a terrible idea (given how my mental health has been lately, and given that next term is going to be even more isolated and difficult to get through than this one, medical intervention is probably necessary if I’m going to get through it) and wanting to bin them all rather than deal with the crap that comes with them, as well as the dependency and hassle of dealing with pharmacies and prescriptions and other endless bullshit.
I’m still having great difficulty seeing a future, and seeing a way forward. I mean, I have qualifications, but my mental health has been so shit for so long that holding a steady job, or doing extra-curriculars has been impossible, and since everyone has qualifications these days, the only thing employers are looking for is experience (and not being ‘visibly queer’, as it were). So when this course is over, I’ll be back to living in a small town where everyone stares at me and nobody will employ me. I feel like something needs to significantly change, but as it stands, I don’t know if these pills are going to give me a much-needed kick up the arse, or a thoroughly unwelcome disruption that makes the shit hit the fan even more (literally AND metaphorically, if the leaflet is to be believed…).
ftmfml 