Today, I made a foolish error. As anyone ridiculous enough to be a long term reader of this blog will know, I am to start afresh at a new educational establishment this year. I’ve been lurking on various pages for the new intake, sizing up my soon-to-be peers, and finding out who I’ll be living with. Today, I finally stuck my head over the parapet and informed someone that according to our accommodation assignments, I’ll be on the same stretch of corridor as them.
This is where it gets shitty. Well, not too shitty, but…it’s like with injuries, in a way. Like, if a horse stood on your foot, it would be bruised and painful, but bearable. Whereas, if you got a paper cut, it’d, in a way, feel way worse. Even though it’s a considerably smaller injury on the whole, the smarting rather crushes you. And that’s what happened here. Anyway, the person added me as a friend, and remained my friend for as long as it took her to guess that I’m trans. In other words, under five minutes. She didn’t scrawl EW YOU FREAK in capital letters across my wall, or message me to tell me I’m as worthless as a turd in a urinal, but she quietly buggered off in abhorrence. And that’s what has shat on my soul; if it was noisy horror, then whilst it would still be less than brilliant, as least I could dismiss her as “one of those preposterous bigots”, but when it’s a snide sort of ducking out, it really kind of hits you. Because she found my transhood so grotesque that she couldn’t even be bothered to say anything offensive. Just a clinical, discreet, fuck you. Think of it like pest control: with an insect on your floor, you’ll just stand on it, and think nothing of it. With a rodent, at least, you’ll put out a trap and attempt to remove it humanely. As in, there will be some interaction rather than just a, “Oh – yuck.” As I so often do when arseholes happen, I’m trying to empathise. But I’m struggling. I mean, if I knew I was going to be living in close proximity to a person for the next year, and I discovered they had some facet of their personality which confused or bewildered me, my first instinct wouldn’t be FUCK RUN LIKE THE WIND, but it’d be more, well, I don’t necessarily understand this, but I’ll try to examine my prejudices, and educate myself more about it, just in case I’m being a wanker, and go from there.
I wish I didn’t feel so shitty about being dismissed so casually. I know I should really expect that sort of thing by now, but I kind of tend to expect it from people somewhat older, or people who’ve lived under a rock for a good few years. And when it’s upfront, I can deal with it. Or even if it is rude, but with good intentions, I can deal with it. But when it’s a cowardly, sneaky sort of bullshit, it feels far worse. I can’t believe I’ve got to live with this tosser for the next year. Remind me again why I’m doing this?